My first day @ work!

Amidst the heat and sweat of the Bombay BSTs, was a creaseless forehead; busy writing his incomplete hindi notes, trying to cushion the jerks with the thigh reflex. I looked closer to see, smartly he avoided the straight lines that guide the devnagiri. I get up from my regular nap, I find him babbling to his mom with hyper-animated hands. Mom dint seem to care too much. He tries again, amused by the locals passing under the bridge he is driving on. I initially thought he was babbling as some kind of a tantrum, but with a few more turns and troughs en route back home, I learnt that he is a partially deaf and dumb kid and is excited for he stood first in his final exams. It hit me when I was babbling to myself, cribbing about the heat, my fate to travel in the bus and the tyre hump under my feet. Now, I have a lump up my throat, looking at this happy kid jiving his way out of the bus... I feel green right now but I guess I'm ready for the drill.

---George Gallup’s Golden 10 Charter---

G³10C

G³10C1 :: Smile code and coordinates

Gallup’s smile code and coordinates must be strictly adhered to its precise decimal value. A member of G³10C cannot smile more than 0.67 cm wide horizontally and 0.43 cm wide vertically. Smiling outside the above bracket will be considered as violation of the Corporate Culture Code (CCC). The defaulter can be suspended or rusticated from the system under the clause CCC 3(a) – Smile code. Laughing is strictly prohibited in the office premises. An act of such grossly informal behaviour will straight away lead to rustication of the accused. For further specifications on the CCC 3(a), please refer page no. 368 of the Gallup Code of Conduct and Discipline.

G³10C2 :: Talk with sufficient graphical or numeric illustration:

At Gallup, every word or remark is an important subject for analysis to draw useful structural and behavioural patterns. The Gallup staffing society also dismisses any kind of baseless opinions or remarks about anything/anyone in the office premises, even if the point is valid under every circumstance or a point of no vital consequence. Here is an illustration that explains the code clearly:

Hansaraju Mayillappan: “I’m really hungry and when one is starving, rice and sambhar is the best way to go about.”

This is absolute violation of the above code. There are no significant values which prove that Hansaraju Mayillappan is hungry. And even if he is, it is a tall claim that rice and sambhar is the best way to go about killing hunger. Various permutations and combinations need to be examined before presenting a crucial point like this.

Hansaraju Mayillappan: “I’m hungry at the rate of 6 calories/sec with an appetite of 86% compared to the last time. It is convincingly proved that rice and sambhar savours one with 9 calories per cube of intake. The cube is defined as a sambhar soaked ball of rice with 50-60 grains of cooked rice and exactly 25 ml of sambhar in it, with or without other seasoning.

G³10C3 :: Wear the trouser belt on your nipple latitude:

The prime use of a trouser belt, as identified by Gallup’s National Study - GNS#420, is that of having your chest firmly placed with all chest hair groomed well within the belt boundaries. This is proven to be hygienic to the eye and therapeutic to the human flabs. All the members of the Gallup fraternity are expected to define the nipple latitude before they are inducted.

G³10C4 :: Wear the tie along your pee-pee longitude:

The prime use of a neck-tie, as identified by Gallup’s National Study – GNS#420(b), is that of ensuring symmetry in the body scheme. It is noted that, the tie needs to divide the body into two equal parts. Symmetry or balance is one of the key elements that enhances aesthetic value in a researcher’s already exciting life.

G³10C5 :: Your shoe reflects what you are:

Quite literally, your shoes need to reflect what you are. Gallup’s premises are strategically designed without mirrors, to keep a check on the observance of this code. Every member of Gallup’s system just needs to look at the shining leather scalp of his/her shoe, in order to check the position of his/her neck-tie or leather belt as the case may be. This is economical and ensures full utilisation of time in more productive issues than narcissism. Narcissism is the violation of CCC and considered highly unethical and derogatory, though the scope for any such acts is almost impossible.

Note: The last case of narcissism was recorded in the year 2001, when muthuswamy tried to profusely appreciate the contrast of his teeth to the ultra-tanned skin.

G³10C6 :: Brow Jive and Number Jingles:

As a part of Gallup’s extended recreation consciousness, there are fun exercises like the brow-jive and number jingles that help them bust work stress. A room with appropriate ventilation and trained facilitators has been designed to carry out these fun learning exercises. It is called the cafeteria, where people let their eye-brows jive to mean different fascinating things like- “you look 54% fairer than yesterday.”, “let’s hang-out at about 17:55 hrs this Sunday at the strand book shop may be?” and difficult expressions like “let us go for the new English comedy!”

P.S. Yes these expressions are highly hypothetical in nature.

Also the staff can engage in fun activities like number antaksharis and also compose number jingles on the Casio. And all this, savouring on unlimited cups of coffee and tobacco sticks.

P.S. Casio is also a calculator manufacturer.

Television, Cinema and Music are serious taboos. Try them at the risk of losing face for life.

G³10C7 :: Scan, copy and print - You are the Canon X115 combo machine:

Gallup is under a strategic tie-up with Canon to train the professionals for better productivity using the Canon X115 combo prototype. At Gallup, members need to scan and investigate everything to its miniscule details. This is to abet Gallup’s mission of having a complete vision.

Although, the code has been amended this year after the Peeping Tom case where Mr. Mayillappan was found scanning Ms. Sharma’s not-so-vital statistics.

Copying every detail scanned, irrespective of its relevance, is the second-tier to this full-proof design to enhance employee productivity. And finally the details thus copied need to be printed in board room discussions, data analysis and also random conversations to boost the intellectual appeal of every individual c/o Gallup.

G³10C8 :: Question everything using appropriate scales:

‘Questions’ have been the foundation stone of Gallup’s services. A questionnaire from the time of inducting an employee to the time of conducting a client makes the system unique and Idiot-proof. Questions drive every function at Gallup. The credit system as a performance indicator is based on the number of questions a member of the Gallup fraternity asks.

G³10C9 :: ExCEL-lent Recreation:

Gallup understands the significance of recreation in this strenuous work life. As a part of this art and recreation scheme, we have introduced a compulsory ‘paint-on’ session for all the employees. A one hour session, where these hard-working individuals will colour the cells of an excel sheet and make a graffiti every day. The best graffiti will be displayed as the cover page of Gallup Annual Report 2010 (GAR).

G³10C10 :: Caffeine and Nicotine free subscription:

Regular and adequate intake of caffeine and nicotine is prescribed by the board. As a stipulation, the subscription to these supplies will be absolutely free. But the consumption is mandatory to maintain the productivity standards.

Statutory warning: Too much mathematics is injurious to health; more than caffeine and nicotine.

*****PHEW*****

And you thought SIMC’s Aide Memoire was traumatic.

A Broken Kaleidoscope

India is one among the largest cosmopolitan nations in the world. Exercising my right to expression, I think the word ‘cosmopolitan’ in the Indian context is originated from the two words ‘cosmos’ and ‘politician’. Now I will choose not to define the link between the two words as it is very apparent. At the very offset I would like to make a remark that every significant word that anchors my futile speech is subjectively presented. With this above statement, I just earned a potent trait of an Indian national, the one of a chronic diplomat.

Now I can safely drive my thoughts, with no fear of being superbly misunderstood by the ‘sensitive’ publics, communions and associations. I think this is something like a self-granted birthright of any Indian citizen to opine on every aspect of life and others’ lives as a personal issue and most amusingly, the same are loyalists to the most delusional concepts of the universe. Strikingly, every single opinion, in the nation’s tray of "fundamentalists" has an independent direction and screams for mass approval as the biggest, strongest, purest and absolute. Unity in diversity is often considered as an ode dedicated to the strength of India. The only thing I see that unites this unscalable difference of opinions is the ‘mental conformity’ in their shallow cranium space.

There is no denial of the fact that India, my country, can boast about virtues that not many of its counterparts can. But not-quite-proudly, it is also true that this very garden allows weeds in the form of hypocrisy and conformism to dwell and bloom. Addressing the popular fable about two Indian crabs in a bucket, it is absolutely ironical to recall that this holy land once belonged to free thinkers like Mahatma Gandhi, Bhagat Singh, Swami Vivekananda and many such transcendentalists and non-conformists. It is appalling to see how people here have become corrupt to their very roots as an excuse to escape the bureaucracy that is given. What people don’t understand is that bureaucracy is a by-product of corruption and not vice-versa. Irrationality has always been the cornerstone for all the moles in the Indian preamble.

The birth of irrationalism can be dated way back to when a child is born. Inducting the very idea of a child in the minds of the two procreative paper dolls itself is skewed. They evaluate future security and societal status before they conceive the idea of a child. The sexual orientation for the child is almost predefined in both their minds with reasons to chart. The very fact that they seek reason in this sanctified procreation itself falsifies the nobility that it naturally holds. “A female child is at a mortgage stake of happiness and security”- all this on the convenient assumption in the sexist minds that a girl child cannot earn for her living.

Natively a country of browns, colour still is of top priority in areas like matrimony, employment, social circles and communions. Amidst such disbelief, the people seek belief and hope by investing faith in an unidentified creature with multiple hands, sitting on some wild skin, with the fiercest pose. They call it ‘God’! Wait a minute! I thought there was only one god. But guess what, India has Gods customized for every family. Fancy, isn’t it? And this God holds the verdict of justice and equality. Wonder why, India has a clear bifurcation of classes: Richest, poor and poorest. A wise man once said that it is the karma cycle that decides your prospects every birth. I found it completely useless to ask him who decides karma and if it is that mystic creature, then can I have a look at his credentials please? Nevertheless, I had no intentions of sounding like an atheist but it is just evident that my agnosticism seeks proof. Religious missionaries trying hard to draw people into believing their doctrine for some few rupees, tells the story of this great 'secular' state.

It irks me so much because this religious festivity that my country enjoys has given birth to so many redundant rituals and customs. Inter-caste marriage in India is a taboo. And what amazes me is that a divine alliance like this has to be scaled with the societal bullshit judgements. A feeling as simple as love has been complicated with societal brackets, customs, age and age-old superstition. In such environs I will not hesitate in stating that we have not grown. We still are premature animals with parasitic sensibility. A country that is illustrated for its values and mannerisms actually suffers a deathly vacuum of hypocrisy and sadistic attitude among the people. The chain and its first link beginning with a flawed constitution, runs deep down to cheap trade practises and corruption at every level in the hierarchy. One of the jobs well done by us Indians is to manage a coffee-table conversation for hours, lamenting on the Indian government and its blemishes. Being one of the largest democracies in the world, self-governance is the only way to go. How many today would clear a test of absolute corruption resistance? Nil!

An average Indian lives half his life being judged and the other half, judging people. And in a monarchy of gods, sab kuch hai ram-bharosey! Besides, expecting a welfare nation out of a coloured blob of 28 states, 7 union territories and a million self-righteous value systems is just being over-ambitious. I don’t particularly think that media, the fourth estate so to say, is credible enough to paint the true picture. Are we really a sovereign, socialist, secular, democratic and republic state?

Yes, it’s that smirk that needs to spin some change and not die a mindless expression of disbelief.

A simple resolution that I could think of would be giving birth to ‘free thinkers’. The sun will shine for a minute longer, the day a child is born to a family of free-thinkers; a family that does not take refuge in any systems of conformism like religion, region, caste or gender- A family of liberated souls on a walk towards eternal freedom from polluted societies. That’s where we started from, right?

I would like to paraphrase Henry David Thoreau here,

“More than love, than money, than fame, than fairness, ... give me truth!”

The above observations suffer from the risk of being branded as one of the dead stinkers that spams your mailbox. But at the risk of becoming a cog-in-the-chakra, I urge you to wheel this movement, in making India 'Incredible' in the true sense. Jai Hind!